Umpire!

It staggers me that when you leave the hospital with your second child, they don’t issue you with a whistle and a T-shirt with the word “umpire” emblazoned across the front.
It should be a standard procedure, along with the heel prick test and the follow up house call from the community nurse that are currently provided by the NSW Health Department. Because, let’s face it, sorting out the microscopic disputes between your children will be your role for the foreseeable future. (A rulebook would be useful too, but I acknowledge that there are no rules in this game and we all have to make it up as we go along.)
Human beings are good at developing tools and technology to solve problems (or complicate our lives, depending on how you look at it), so I can imagine a future where houses are equipped with CCTV cameras in every room, feeding directly into your computer. As umpires we will be able to look back at the replay (in slow motion and from all angles) to see just who did have the thing first, who did the snatching and who did the pushing. The players will acknowledge the infallibility of the eye in the sky, accept the decision and get on with the game. Play on.
However, in these digital dark ages, a parent has to go in blind and comfort the crying child whilst gathering verbal evidence from both sides.
“I was playing with it first.”
“But I got it for my birthday.”
These are tricky issues. A magistrate with 15 years experience on the bench listening to property disputes may be able to cite some relevant precedent for sorting out cases like this. But the rest of us just have to wing it and hope for the best. (There is the old adage that “possession is nine tenths of the law”, but our little one has form for theft, so that’s not really a reliable guideline in our house.)
Generally I have to micromanage a conversation between them. Fault will usually be found on both sides, apologies will be offered and hopefully I can impart some wisdom about better ways of communicating and interacting with each other. The players shake hands and the game can continue. New balls please.
But sometimes you need to send them back to their corners. If a player refuses to accept the umpire’s decision and responds by dropping to the floor kicking, screaming and crying, it might be time to pull out the red card. Once they have been sent from the field (to their bedroom) it may be necessary to make an appointment with the tribunal (mum).
But I’m just taking it one game at a time.